I am (and have been) getting way too emotional when I watch the AT&T UVerse commercials because the actor who is in it is also Nick’s father…but he died. D:
So I was thinking about that last post I wrote and I thought, "huh I think I might have had a sarcastic tone. No that’s my regular tone…wait do I usually come off so sarcastic and a bit cynical I did admit to wanting to be more of an optimist, but also acknowledged that that plan would ultimately fail. Great so I am beyond a doubt a pessimist. I mean not exactly a news flash, but I mean a full fledged pessimist ..well then a lot would make sense. No I’m a realist." Then It hit me. I’m not a pessimist I am a secret optimist If I was a real pessimist then my writing style would not have gotten my attention at all because it would be deemed normal by all sides of my consciousness. By identifying that my writing style was cynical I am saying that to me it is cynical where it might as well be a poem full of daisies and thornless roses. So there you have it. I am a secret optimist.
I realize that although I have proficiently argued my point there is still a sarcastic river flowing underneath this post. My logic is not per say flawed, but skewed due to my trying to understand what exactly I am doing here, and the exact definition of pessimism and optimism. It does not help that I should be sleeping now and almost don’t really care of the status of my writing style, but where’s the fun in that when my mind is reeling at the speed of light.
Secret Optimist over and out.
I don’t have anything to write about, but I feel like writing. I’m going to the dentist today. I am having mixed emotions about it. I remember asking myself at the beginning of one of my journals, if I finally got to sit in an “adult” chair and now I just don’t care. I think it’s because I know I am not going to sit in the child chair and not have that dinosaur clock to watch while the dentist tries to talk to me. or read the colorful toothpaste flavor charts even though they are usually out of all the good ones. It is always interesting to think what I could have gotten and maybe they tasted worse.
Wrapped up in thinking I moved on to Philosophy and gradually I became caught up in the Philosophy of Alfred Lord Tennyson ”better to have loved and lost, than have never known love at all.” and I started thinking of why that is true, and who would think the opposite and what they must have gone through to think that way. I became the character and this is me as them. I became the heartless person that knew love. There is a back story to the character, but I feel that it is too long and feel more comfortable just posting this. I wrote it in a diary posting way. idk.
This inner disturbance is well really disturbing me. :/ forever to fight against myself.
oh geez. School is over. This means that I have less to distract me from my emotions…even though school causes many emotions…idk
wrote this a while ago. Dear past me, trust me you have a ton to distract you from you. :) this summer is the best and it will only get better. love ya x future you.
I hate it when I come up with a question and then an answer to that question that drives me crazy. Except I will probably never actually ask the question, but it will just slowly drive me mad and then I will explode and possibly displace my emotions. I complicate my already complicated life too much.
Feeling emotionally explosive. All the emotions are seeping through my subconscious. I usually would go downstairs to the gym, but I am home so if I went downstairs here I would be underground. I have yet to blow up my fitness orb and I tried running around the house and almost fell over boxes because my living room has boxes everywhere and no lights. Not the smartest idea, but if I am being honest I don’t always think before I act. I am contemplating cutting my hair, but I cannot find my hair scissors. Which is probably a good thing since I tend to go crazy with my hair in this restless crazed state I am in. I need to do something, but I cannot. No transportation and I was about to go walking but I’m sure my mother would freak out. I’m sure she would not mind if someone would go with me, but let’s be real, no one is going to drive to my house to go walking with me.
Sooooo I saw a scary
bug insect, and I killed it. I should now be fine and worry free. Not. I am unable to sleep because my brain has come up with the conclusion that, if there is one of them, there are more. I do not like this. I do not like this one bit. To make matters worse I am having an allergic reaction to my cat. Being away at college and coming back home has made my small allergies much worse. Even though my brain knows that the reaction is due to my cat, it is making the assumption that my reaction also has something to do with an insect infestation. I can logically understand that there is no correlation between my reaction and insects, but no my brain refuses to comply. Admittedly, I could have been unknowingly bitten… However, I refuse to go there at the current moment. I feel like a meth addict because I feel like there are bugs crawling all over me. Since, I have turned on the light and have not found any bugs, I am thankful to say that I am indeed not a meth addict, just a psychologically disturbed individual. I want to sleep, but I am afraid to get into my bed, because my brain also believes that they are waiting for me there. There is no end to this mental turmoil. This must be my punishment for killing the creepy crawly. However, if I did not kill it, it may have indeed bitten me. The thing was indeed poisonous. So either way I am screwed in karma/actions/whatever you want to call it.
Edit: actually if I was a meth addict, I would be unable to see the bugs regardless of whether or not I turned on the lights. However, I am not a meth addict, because of the simple fact that I have not consumed meth, and my logical reasoning behind turning on the lights and believing there were no bugs. So yeah, not a meth addict, just to make things crystal clear. ;/ Seriously meth is not a joke, but I had to.
My professor has not emailed me back about putting in one of my grades. I also emailed everyone in the class, a good 55 people, asking if he entered their grades for that particular assignment, and nothing. I am pissed. I need to know! I’ll probably have to go talk to him tomorrow. Figures. Trying to stay positive. I maybe might be on campus tomorrow anyways. wsphdf vwsodiheoihjwohiwkwfdkds Y U NO EMAIL ME BACK ABOUT IMPORTANT STUFF?!?!?!?!?!?! I need some grounding right now. Going insane.